Being There....

For me...life is about being there..or trying to be there. I try to be there for my husband - not always successfully because I am busy being there for my students, and being there for people i collaborate with...being there for my daughters and being there for my dogs.....trying to be there for friends and family..wanting to be there for my dad. I need to be there for rehearsal, and meetings, and conferences, and workshops.....most of my life is spent 'being there' for something or another.

Sometimes I just need somebody to 'be there' for me. Rich tries, but he doesnt understand theatre and so much of what I need somebody to 'be there' for involves the theatre. I used to have Bekah and Laura to talk to about theatre.....I am lonely for them in that way. I crave collaboration. I want to work on some project where I am not on my own. Cindy is such a wonderful helpmate - she is always there for me, but she isnt somebody who I can engage with in the collaborative process. It isnt her skill set, although I couldnt get by without the many skills she does offer on a regular basis. I collaborate to plan Jr. Thespian Conference - we have a good routine going - but it is from a distance which makes it a challenge.

What I loved about the Wizard of Oz was the collaboration and team i felt was there with the production team. For the first time I felt like I was part of a team. I didnt mind sitting there in the auditorium with little to do day after day because that was my job. I was the backup. I was there to talk to the parents and answer questions, or to handle the costumes when they came in, or consult about choreography while blocking was going on somewhere else. I had no real job, no real duties - but I was there to talk or help, or share, or laugh to feel part of the process even though I wasnt in charge. I was there for every single rehearsal - sometimes just to sit and make sure those not involved in rehearsal were quiet. I keep looking around for somebody to collaborate with on my current 'joint' project and there is nobody to be found. Thats not true - Cindy is a fairly constant presence. Thank god for Cindy. On Saturdays when bathrooms are locked week after week there is an adult to check on children outside the auditorium. I thank God for Richard. He is somebody to collaborate with. He is there, we talk, we plan, we laugh. Thats the key - he is there. Collaboration is impossible when the collaborators dont show up.

Maybe I am the one who should just stop 'being there'. Maybe it is time to sit down and let somebody else carry the ball. Maybe I should find other things to do with my time. Things for me..instead of things that involve constantly being there for somebody else. Maybe I should....but I wont, not today. I am not a person to shirk a responsibility. I have committed to being there. I will be there until the job is done - even if I have to do it alone.

Lots of reassessment needed before I commit to 'being there' in the future.