A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I lost my Mama. We didnt always get along well...I was a nightmare of a teenager. I wouldnt wish me on anybody. The force and the immoveable object was how we were. I didnt spend those teenage years being good to her....or vice versa.

I did have something so few people are blessed to have, however. A mom who didnt let those dreadful teenage experiences go unspoken. We sat, when I was older, and talked about them....asking forgiveness of each other...and telling each other how much we loved one another.

I didnt live close.....but we would talk at least once a week. Less than once a week and i was in big trouble. She wanted to retire closer to me...close enough so we could finally spend some holidays together...spend TIME together...enjoy each other. Mom and dad bought the retirement home long before they retired to it....and from the moment they bought it I was excited that there would be a time when my Mom would be within a Days drive...that I could finally spend the kind of time with her I wanted. That we could be more than phone friends.

We did spend One thanksgiving...and One Christmas.....she was able to come to see one of my 'productions' .....and then......she was gone. I wasnt ready. I am still not ready. Not a day goes by that I dont think "I wonder what Mom would think...or do...or say" I strive to live up to an ideal she set....and I never quite feel like I make the mark...but I know that Mom would expect me to continue to rise to whatever bar I set...so I continue to strive.

I miss her. I miss knowing there is a person in the world who loves me unconditionally. No matter how badly i messed up....she loved me. She loved me thin...loved me fat...loved me as a college drop out...and a graduate.....loved me when i married so young...and loved that i was still married when she died. She loved my husband...and liked him better than she liked me. She loved my children so much...and was for them everything a grandmother could be. She was the ideal. I needed her guidance ....I still need it sometimes....it isnt the same to search myself to thin k of what she would have said....nobody could give advice like Mom.

Nobody could celebrate like Mom. Achievements MEANT something to her. My daughter, Bekah, said not too long ago...that she loved all of us being at her graduation...and she knew that we were all proud of her...but it wasnt the same without Mom. She was so proud she exploded with it...it was like being in the middle of the sun her pride was so bright. I understand what Bekah meant though...the Teacher of the Year Banquet last year missed something because it was missing my mother.

I miss you Mama...so much. I hurt....and know that i will always have an ache in my life that fills the space where you used to be. I know you are happier where you are...but I am sorry..that just doesnt feel like much consolation today.