Aging

I used to claim that I was like Peter Pan, I would never grow up. I still am not sure how grown up I am inside. I feel like I am a teenager most days. Sadly, My body doesnt concur and the clock keeps ticking. I had a horrible sinking feeling today when I realized that I am now 45. I remember when I thought people who were 45 were OLD and I realize that is how they must think of me.

Age is not just a state of mind, no matter how much I say that it is. The body does indeed age. Mine is a prime example of the aging thing. Diabetes, arthritis in my knees, cholesterol...whatever else. Sometimes the body can undermine the youth in my mind. Mostly though, I forget I am not still 18 and just enjoy my life.

I think, in fact......i need to find something incredibly silly and fun to do just to make sure I remember that I am, in fact, NOT too old.

Daughters and Judgement

My daughters bring me so much joy. I am so proud of them. Proud of how hard they work. Proud of their work ethic. Proud of their creativity. Proud of how they love one another and the world around them. Proud that they respect themselves enough not to 'settle' for less than the best the world could offer them.

That isnt to say they are without faults, they have faults just like everybody else. I find the world so interesting sometimes. How we judge the faults of another to be so much more severe than our own. How we think we have the right to decide what is right or wrong for another person. That we choose to ignore God's laws when we break them, but put other people under the 'christian-o-meter' I call it and decide that their failings make them worse in Gods eyes. Those same people must ignore Jesus telling us to remove the plank from our own eye before we try to remove the splinter from somebody else's. In God's eyes all sins are the same. They are all sins, and Jesus died for the forgiveness of every single one of them. It is only in Man's hypocritical judgemental eyes that the sins are sorted and ranked. What we ignore is that we sort and rank using Man's law, but we try to ascribe it to the bible and call it God's Law. I promise, none of us would like it if we were dealing with God's Law. Ever curse? yep......go directly to jail, dont pass go. Ever covet another person's Ipod, House, Computer, Car, clothes? ....go directly to jail, dont pass go. Ever flirt with another person's spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend? ....go directly to jail, dont pass go. Ever talk ugly about a friend behind their back? Go to Jail and stay there...you have just broken the biggest of the commandments "to love ones neighbor as we love ourselves."

So many of my life views are far more conservative than liberal.......but I can't call myself a conservative. Conservatives lack empathy, they dont look at life through another's eyes. They tend to be narrowminded, and think they have the right to stand as judge and jury for others. How interesting that these same people also claim to have the market on christianity cornered! Jesus would turn in his grave, if he had stayed there more than three days.

I digress......what else is new, right?

My daughters are a source of pride to me. I dont care how others see them I see only the beautiful wonderful things about them. I guess I see them the way Jesus would see them, with unconditional love and a willingness to forgive them anything if they only ask.

I miss them both. I am excited to see my Laura Lou this weekend, give her a hug, watch her accomplishments with pride, and meet her 'child'.

I am glad that motherhood doesnt end ...it just changes forms.

The End

The End. Sometimes it is so nice to say that and feel the peace and calm of concluding an episode of your life. That is how I feel about the conclusion of the 'Little Shop' episode of my life. The show went well. Talented talented people. Audiences were entertained. Mission accomplished. Job done.

When I started the community theatre it was with a hope of bringing theatre to life in harris county, bridging the gap between kids and adults, creating a thriving community of the arts here. Two years later - A few of us kill ourselves to bring theatre to the stage. We are all worn out and tired of having to fight with others to help pull their weight on any given project. The 'expectation' is that that core few of us will do whatever it takes ...mostly without thanks. The End.

I might, somewhere down the road attempt another venture, but at the moment I am not at all inclined to do so. I am not inclined to do anything more with it at all. I have committed to summer camp this summer, but beyond that - time will tell. My vision of Theatre is a vision of collaboration - that vision is not being realized and I am weary and I am tired of wearing out the core who commit their time and effort to help in a venture that I absolutely cannot complete on my own.

I 'should' feel sad, but I dont. I feel relieved to have one more thing off my plate of responsibilities. I am getting old enough to just want to relax and enjoy time with the people I love. (yes Rich, that means you)

So.....onward to new possibilities...dont know what they are...but when one door closes, another always opens that is ussually even better.

the play is the thing....or is it?

I am tired. I love theatre, but I am running out of steam. I think it is time for a break. I am going to take a break and do nothing more with the community theatre for the rest of this year. I cant - I am just tired and cant do it alone and it is too much of a drain on the few people who do help.

I am going to stick to quick and simple at school, except for the spring extravaganza..but thats different.

Anyway, off to final dress rehearsal for Little Shop of Horrors...glad it will be over this weekend.

Talent

When I was young I believed that my intelligence and talent were all I needed to be successful. I believed that my intelligence and talent mean the world OWED me recognition. I was so vain and so foolish.

As an educator I have found that those with the most intelligence or talent take it for granted. They dont learn to work hard. They dont learn to dig deep and push themselves for personal excellence. They just expect it all. These kids arent very happy. They spend most of their time being judgemental and looking at themselves in comparision to others and finding themselves superior. It must be lonely there in their world of exclusion, they dont have the world of people and experiences to enjoy because they are too locked into their own limited vision.

Then there are the kids who work for everything. These kids become talented. They find true joy in what they do. They dont exclude, they include. They work and work and work....and strive to be better with each task. They are friendly, pleasant, engaging and I would take a kid like this over the 'talented' any day of the week.

I wish that each of us had the possibility to see one day of the future...sort of like Dickens Christmas Carol...to see where we could go if we strived to be the best we could be. If we could see where our actions would lead. It would have saved me lots of years of mediocrity. Why was I mediocre? Because I thought my talent and intelligence meant i should get my 'due' instead of working for it. I wish i could give this knowledge to the best and brightest so they do not have to have that mammoth crash to earth that comes when they figure out that intelligence and talent are no substitute for character.

The Grind

As life gets back into the routine...or 'the grind' I find myself resisting. I enjoyed this past summer, and actually letting go of work and just LIVING with my family as a priority and work on the backburner. I am struggling to feel the drive to spend every waking moment working. I am frustrated by changes that feel like re-inventing the educational wheel yet again. I feel like I am on a treadmill, going nowhere.

I need to find some balance or I will be miserable this year.

All I know is....I miss my babies
I miss the beach
I miss my Daddy
I ache for my Mom
and I want my life to slow down :(

in sickness and in health...

This has been a year for both.....

through sickness and health my husband is always there.

I will never stop being grateful.

Thank you honey for taking care of me this weekend when i was sick, and all of the times I have been sick over the past 25 years.

I hope more 'health' is to follow...
Love,
your merrie