Love

When I married Rich 24 years ago I loved him. He made my heart race, and being with him was exciting and made my whole world sparkle.

Then came that phase where you lose that 'in love' feeling and the relationship becomes work. All of those idiosyncrisies you dont notice when you are 'in love' suddenly seem magnified and you look at the person you couldnt live without and you want to change all of those things about them that suddenly drive you nuts. Ok...this person isnt going to change for me, either 1 they dont really love me, or 2 I dont really love them if this is how they REALLY are. Why did they change after we got married? This phase...I call 'the struggle' and it is so easy to quit during this phase. I think it is why the divorce rate is so high.

Next came the acceptance phase where you realize....well...it is the same person and they havent changed at all....it is just that the rose colored glasses of that aphrodesiac of being 'in love' wore off and you saw them.....as they truly are... for the first time. You realize you cant change them, so you take a deep breath and accept their faults and love them for who they REALLY are, despite them. If you have children, this is also the phase where you look at each other wide eyed and wonder if you will ever have a moment to just love and enjoy one another ever again. It feels like all of the feelings and energy go to the kids and there is little left for each other. I remember saying to myself "if we can only survive until they get old enough not to need a babysitter we will be ok."

The next phase I call 'Dating". The kids are now old enough to stay alone and we could go out and do things just us. We had 'date night'. I remember Bekah asking "how come the two of you get to go out and do something together every wednesday without us?" and my reply "Bekah, one day you and Laura will grow up and move out and have lives of your own and it would be really nice if your Dad and I still had a relationship with each other. He is my future Bek, he is my forever and I am going to make time to make sure we still have a relationship to share in our forever. So, we are going to have date night" And we did...every wednesday. Sometimes it was just a walk on the riverwalk where we held hands and talked about something, anything but the kids. Sometimes a movie. In fact, we saw lots of movies during this time in our marriage. Sometimes we parked the truck under the stars and laid in the bed and just took in the magnificence of the universe. It didnt matter what we did, it mattered that we learned to talk ...not just about the kids...but to each other. I was determined that we werent going to grow old and be one of those couples who stared at each other with nothing to say.

I call the next phase 'Accomplishment'. Work takes priority and work takes time. I know Rich particularly was patient (is still patient) during my accomplishment period. We accomplished the parenting thing....the girls graduating from high school and one from college. We could look at each other and say "we did it, we raised them and look...they are independent and lovely, and good people. We did good" My work, particularly last year, was all about accomplishment and seeing such unexpected rewards for my work. Seeing the difference I made in the lives of young people. Accomplishment is a good phase, particularly when you have a spouse like mine who is always encouraging and supportive and so very very proud of everything I do. His pride means more to me than I ever will be able to say. That he cares enough about me to celebrate my accomplishments with me, to really enjoy the good feeling of having accomplished them with me by being my support system. That means a lot. He has always been my rock. I have always been prone to living inside of my imagination. In fact, since being a little girl my imagination has always been my favorite destination. I am not good with life's practicalities. Thats one of the things I learned vividly during the 'struggle' phase. Rich is not prone to imaginative bents, but...he is so practical and logical and solid that if i let him guide me in all of the areas requiring practical, logical, sound reasoned decisions, then I would be free to spend more time in my imaginative pursuits without being so stressed about the details of life. In the struggle phase I wanted him to get an imagination and just loosen up and have fun. I discovered in the acceptance phase that if i let him take charge of all of the basics in our life, he actually feels comfortable enough to play and have fun. So...he is in charge. I love him being in charge. It has bonded us because it required a rather strong level of trust. I dont ask about the bills being paid, etc...i just ask if I can spend money. I trust that he is handling the bills and that he will allow me a purchase if there is money enough for me to spend on one. He loves being trusted and taking care of me. It fills a need of his. So.....we have found the perfect arrangement - one that brings us closer. I found myself looking at him with new eyes yet again when my mother died. I cried - a lot. Still cry a lot sometimes. He never tried to get me to stop crying like most people do when the person they love is sad. He never gave me a bunch of platitudes about how it would be better soon. He just loved me. He would wrap his arms around me, rub my back, stroke my hair...and whisper in my ear "just cry love, just cry...cry as much and as long as you need and I will stay right here and hold you". And he did....and out of grief so deep I just felt hurt all the time...I found love. My Rich really loves me...and I really love him.


Another level of this journey of 24 years. The Languages of Love. During our trip this summer we listened to my kindle and the car stereo read the book 'The 5 languages of Love'. It was the most enlightening relationship book I have ever read. I suggest it to anyone. It doesnt point fingers about what you should or shouldnt do in your relationships. It helps identify something rather basic - the love language each of us speaks. How...we can love someone and try to show them every day, but if you arent speaking their love language they wont know that you are trying to love them. Rich and I do not speak the same love language. I require quality time and quality communication in order to feel loved. His love language is service. He feels loved if i am doing things for him , or around the house that he wants done. It was eye-opening. We had, through hit or miss desperation in trying to have a good relationship, tried to show one another love in so many different ways that we occassionally hit on the other's language, but it is much better even just a few weeks after reading the book. It takes no guess work, and no wasted frustrated energy in trying to show the other ...now we speak one another's language and with less effort and more results we show one another love every day.

Another phase in our relationship of 25 years.

I dont know what the future holds for us..but I know that my future is with Rich. He is my past, my present and my future. He is the best part of my life. He isnt perfect, neither am I....but we are perfect FOR each other.

I love you Rich, so very much. Thank you for showing me every day.....