BEKAH WAS BORN

today is my daughter Bekah's birthday.....for a mom that is full of lots of memories. Rich was deployed in the military and I was alone for the six months leading up to her birth. My Aunt was my birth coach and we took the classes together. I didnt buy it...I was confident that breathing wasnt going to get me through childbirth. Demerol...that was the answer...Demerol and a spinal anaesthetic. I had a horrible pregnancy. My body didnt like it, didnt like being pregnant. I threw up every day for 9 months, only thing i could keep down were lean cuisine spaghetti, genoa salami, tomato juice, and slushies. Not a whole lot of nutrition, but it was something. In the middle of my pregnancy I got the flu...made the whole throw up thing worse....fever..chills...fever. My OBGYN hospitalized me when they werent able to regulate my body temperature. It would go from 92 - 105 up and down in an hour. They had some probe up my butt that kept my current temperature connected to a blanket which heated or cooled me dependant upon the probe's reading. When I didnt get better, they did tests and discovered that my kidneys werent functioning well - massive kidney infection. So...they fixed that and I was able to go home. Months passed...I was commuting to college every day and enjoying my life. My college friends were all protective of me...tried to make sure I ate well..threw me a baby shower. As far as they were concerned this was their baby too. Summer came.... it was hot. I looked like I swallowed a basketball. She was due at the end of June...supposed to be a Gemini like both of my parents. Her due date came...and went. On the day she was born I had enough. It was time damnit. So I ran up and down some hills..trying to induce labor. I thought I failed....and headed home to a Doctor's appointment. At the appointment the doctor notes a small leak of amniotic fluid. He said I had a high tear and needed to deliver immeditely to avoid infection. I drove myself to the hospital and checked in..then called parents and my aunt the labor coach. I wasnt in labor so they started a drip of devil medicine....pitocin. It started labor allright...hard and immediate. When I say hard...i mean...OMG. I spent 20 hours in HARD labor..no build up...just right there...devil contractions every couple of minutes. I was begging for Demoral...begging for a spinal...begging for them to take her out of me. I wasnt progressing...her head was too large to go into the birth canal. They told me if nothing changed in an hour they would do a cessarean. I went nuts..I told them..in the deepest voice that sounded so much like Linda Blair from the exorcist "take her now" . They didnt, they waited an hour. I was awake when she was born....and when I saw her I was in love. A feeling it is hard to explain - she was mine to take care of, to love, to protect, to teach and guide and nurture...I was awed by the responsibility and that this beautiful baby had grown inside of me..that she came from me and was and would always be a part of me. Rebekah made me a Mom. I have loved being a mother. I havent always been the best mom, but I dont think my daughters doubt they were loved. I did take care of, love, protect, teach, guide, and nurture my girls. Happy Birthday Bekah Boo!

The Beach

I love the ocean....there is nothing more rejuvenating to me than the sound of the waves, the feel of the sand, the warmth of the sun on my skin.

I enjoyed the beach this week so much. I feel peaceful. I know that peaceful thing will be short lived since BBB goes into crazy mode tomorrow, but at least I am starting the week in a good place.

I am not much of a thinker...I dont spend lots of time inside my own head. My thoughts generally spark an idea that I am quick to transmit into some kind of action. Thoughts dont circle and pool as they do with Rich and with Dad. Both of them could get lost inside of their own brains and never come out again. The only place I get like that...comfy in my own head...is driving and at the beach - both of which I did a lot this week!

I am just finishing buying airline tickets and hotel reservations for hawaii for the days before the cruise. SO excited.

25 years. Hawaii is to celebrate that landmark event. Long time to be married, but I would do it all over again.

off to finish reservations and look at shore excursions and all of the fun things that make me 'shiver with antic............pation'

A view of Earth from Space

Today I saw Earth from space.

I cannot even begin to describe the level of feeling that welled up from deep inside of me.

I digress...went to see the movie Hubble 3-D at the IMAX Theatre.

It...put life into perspective...unexplicably...made my everyday concerns so trivial in the scheme of the gigantic universe...and universes seen by the Hubble.

How could the universe exist that that...so vast...so...incredible.....and there not be a God organizing all of it. It cant possibly be that vast, so intertwined...and yet random.

I was awed by the beauty of the universe God created for us....

tears just rolling down my cheeks as i watched the film.....

it is a must see..and i am not doing it justice.... there just arent any words to describe the feelings i had.......

Teamwork

Today - the atmosphere of rehearsal is exactly what I love about theatre. Everybody there was there with positive energy, a spirit of positive work, and fun even though they were working hard. There was professionalism, support, dedication......it was just wonderful. No stress, no drama....just two independently working groups of students whose goal was perfecting their craft.

Groups can be interesting...sometimes they gel..and sometimes the gel has trouble setting up. This cast has had some trouble setting up...but I think we may be over the hump and moving into a really positive experience as the show moves closer and the cast members enjoy more time together. If today is a sample of things to come the next month should be fun. I love it when everybody works together and 'the play is the thing'.

Life is like that too sometimes.....relationships can go through periods where everything seems to gel beautifully and times where things have trouble setting up.

My relationship with my mom was one of those that had trouble setting up.... once I was an adult and my life was my own and the power struggle between us ceased to be an issue.....it set up beautifully and we became so close.

I remember calling her for recipes, calling her to ask her advice about how to handle the sibling rivalry between my daughters, calling her because i was frustrated with work or school...or life in general. Calling her to celebrate achievements of mine, or Rich's or the girls'.

I remember car trips...seemingly endless refrains of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt...... and other Peter Paul and Mary tunes.....and yes...despite what she tried to make people believe....she could sing. I learned how to sing harmony on those singing car trips.

We saw so much of the country. Every outing was educational in some kind of way. The museum of science, the children's museum...rock hunting, trips to DC, NY, and driving out through the country to see Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, Painted Desert, Rocky Mountains, Black Hills......Colorado gold mines....Florida.....the endless waves of grain between..... Disney World, Sea World, Circus World, Bush Gardens....every zoo within driving distance...and every ice cream shop nearby!

My Mom and Dad made sure I had a childhood most kids dream about.

Camping, and hiking, and swimming....... skiing and skating and sledding...... always active...always involved in doing something to enhance body, mind or spirit.

So...yeah..we had power struggles..I was a strong willed child - imagine that....and Mom was determined...and it made for some interesting times. I like to block out those teenage years.

I dont know how this blog turned into a blog about mom...but lately all of my thoughts come back to her some way or another. Missing her rather acutely. I am hoping this gets better..easier..I would think it would have already after a years time :(

anyway...off to enjoy time with my husband and my friends...life goes on....today - we be gellin!

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I lost my Mama. We didnt always get along well...I was a nightmare of a teenager. I wouldnt wish me on anybody. The force and the immoveable object was how we were. I didnt spend those teenage years being good to her....or vice versa.

I did have something so few people are blessed to have, however. A mom who didnt let those dreadful teenage experiences go unspoken. We sat, when I was older, and talked about them....asking forgiveness of each other...and telling each other how much we loved one another.

I didnt live close.....but we would talk at least once a week. Less than once a week and i was in big trouble. She wanted to retire closer to me...close enough so we could finally spend some holidays together...spend TIME together...enjoy each other. Mom and dad bought the retirement home long before they retired to it....and from the moment they bought it I was excited that there would be a time when my Mom would be within a Days drive...that I could finally spend the kind of time with her I wanted. That we could be more than phone friends.

We did spend One thanksgiving...and One Christmas.....she was able to come to see one of my 'productions' .....and then......she was gone. I wasnt ready. I am still not ready. Not a day goes by that I dont think "I wonder what Mom would think...or do...or say" I strive to live up to an ideal she set....and I never quite feel like I make the mark...but I know that Mom would expect me to continue to rise to whatever bar I set...so I continue to strive.

I miss her. I miss knowing there is a person in the world who loves me unconditionally. No matter how badly i messed up....she loved me. She loved me thin...loved me fat...loved me as a college drop out...and a graduate.....loved me when i married so young...and loved that i was still married when she died. She loved my husband...and liked him better than she liked me. She loved my children so much...and was for them everything a grandmother could be. She was the ideal. I needed her guidance ....I still need it sometimes....it isnt the same to search myself to thin k of what she would have said....nobody could give advice like Mom.

Nobody could celebrate like Mom. Achievements MEANT something to her. My daughter, Bekah, said not too long ago...that she loved all of us being at her graduation...and she knew that we were all proud of her...but it wasnt the same without Mom. She was so proud she exploded with it...it was like being in the middle of the sun her pride was so bright. I understand what Bekah meant though...the Teacher of the Year Banquet last year missed something because it was missing my mother.

I miss you Mama...so much. I hurt....and know that i will always have an ache in my life that fills the space where you used to be. I know you are happier where you are...but I am sorry..that just doesnt feel like much consolation today.

Being There....

For me...life is about being there..or trying to be there. I try to be there for my husband - not always successfully because I am busy being there for my students, and being there for people i collaborate with...being there for my daughters and being there for my dogs.....trying to be there for friends and family..wanting to be there for my dad. I need to be there for rehearsal, and meetings, and conferences, and workshops.....most of my life is spent 'being there' for something or another.

Sometimes I just need somebody to 'be there' for me. Rich tries, but he doesnt understand theatre and so much of what I need somebody to 'be there' for involves the theatre. I used to have Bekah and Laura to talk to about theatre.....I am lonely for them in that way. I crave collaboration. I want to work on some project where I am not on my own. Cindy is such a wonderful helpmate - she is always there for me, but she isnt somebody who I can engage with in the collaborative process. It isnt her skill set, although I couldnt get by without the many skills she does offer on a regular basis. I collaborate to plan Jr. Thespian Conference - we have a good routine going - but it is from a distance which makes it a challenge.

What I loved about the Wizard of Oz was the collaboration and team i felt was there with the production team. For the first time I felt like I was part of a team. I didnt mind sitting there in the auditorium with little to do day after day because that was my job. I was the backup. I was there to talk to the parents and answer questions, or to handle the costumes when they came in, or consult about choreography while blocking was going on somewhere else. I had no real job, no real duties - but I was there to talk or help, or share, or laugh to feel part of the process even though I wasnt in charge. I was there for every single rehearsal - sometimes just to sit and make sure those not involved in rehearsal were quiet. I keep looking around for somebody to collaborate with on my current 'joint' project and there is nobody to be found. Thats not true - Cindy is a fairly constant presence. Thank god for Cindy. On Saturdays when bathrooms are locked week after week there is an adult to check on children outside the auditorium. I thank God for Richard. He is somebody to collaborate with. He is there, we talk, we plan, we laugh. Thats the key - he is there. Collaboration is impossible when the collaborators dont show up.

Maybe I am the one who should just stop 'being there'. Maybe it is time to sit down and let somebody else carry the ball. Maybe I should find other things to do with my time. Things for me..instead of things that involve constantly being there for somebody else. Maybe I should....but I wont, not today. I am not a person to shirk a responsibility. I have committed to being there. I will be there until the job is done - even if I have to do it alone.

Lots of reassessment needed before I commit to 'being there' in the future.

sickness and in health

I hate being sick. I hate not cuddling Rich, or kissing him. I hate the creepy schedule where you end up sleeping most of the day and then cant sleep at night. I hate aches, and nausea. I hate my life being turned upside down, and on a weekend too.

Now that I have vented, i really really really appreciate friends like Cindy who step up and tell me to go home and that she will take care of rehearsal. I love and appreciate my husband who is always looking out for me. I really have no cause to complain, with such a good life...whats a little bit of sick anyway?