a growing family...

Thanksgiving growing up was all about a huge family...more people than logistically fit in Our house, but we fit somehow. There were not a lot of traditions outside of timing the length of time it took for us all to devour our big meal. One year 20 of us were all finished eating a massive feast in 11 minutes flat. How absurd!

Then we moved to Georgia, and suddenly there were just four of us. My own little family and all of my sense of holidays had always involves hoardes of people...with the four of us I always felt lonely. So often Rich had to leave for work every holiday at 3 to work second shift, leaving just the three of us - me and Boo and Lou to spend the day. We started to create our own traditions to give new meaning to our holidays. To give me the comfort of looking forward to 'our things' and not missing the big extended family gatherings of my childhood.

The first tradition involved the movies. It was always so lonely when Rich left for work, so instead of staying home lonely we always went to the movie matinee on thanksgiving and christmas. We looked forward to our movie holidays. We didnt go to the movies often, so it was such a treat.

The next tradition involved the Macy's Day Parade. We watched diligently from the start of the parade to the end when Santa arrived. The girls always looked forward to the arrival of Santa, believing the Macy's Santa to be the real Santa. Then the Macy's parade developped all kinds of food traditions. It became like two thanksgivings - the breakfast meal, then the turkey meal. I call it a breakfast meal, but it doesnt involve many breakfast foods. Mostly it involves snackish things the girls love: orange cinnamon rolls, crab cheese ball and cracker, spin dip and veggies, pigs in a blanket, chips and onion dip, and fruit dipped in chocolate. Strange combination for breakfast, but the grazing on it begins at 9AM and continues through the parade and into the big dog show following. Another tradition.

Callaway Gardens light extravaganza is a newer addition to the routine, replacing the yearly viewing of 'It's a Wonderful Life'

Our family of four has gotten larger. Bekah bringing Jen to be part of our family. Dad coming to be part of our family holiday celebration, and this year Laura bringing Chris. We will see if he becomes part of our family, but he seems to fit quite well. The family is growing but the traditions remain the same. It is good to have traditions...common expectations that bind our family together.

So.......it is dog show time. I am about ready to clean up the breakfast feast. The Turkey feast is warming in the oven, turkey roasted all night. I need to make the gravy, cook the rolls, open the cranberry sauce, set the table and get ready to sit down with the people I love so much and give thanks.

Waiting...but definitely not for Godot

This morning I am feeling that butterfly excitement in my stomach, waiting for christmas morning to get here in the middle of the night excitement feeling as I wait for my family to arrive.

I love our empty nest, I really do. Rich and I have found joy and comfort in our routines and our time to spend and talk and cuddle. We like and love each other and life is good. I dont really want the girls to move back in, but I do miss them. I miss their hugs, and I miss their laughter. I miss having somebody to talk to about theatre. I miss hearing about their day, and knowing they are up on their computers chatting with the world instead of sleeping. (yeah, most moms would be saying they miss seeing them tucked sleeping into their beds. I dont think I have seen that for a couple of years. They outlast me in the stay up all night department)

So here I am, writing a blog about waiting....while I wait for my girls...

It kind of is like waiting for Godot...waiting for the people I love who will turn my life upside down in the most glorious way for a couple of days and then go back to their own lives. Maybe Chris is really Godot. He has never visited before...it could be......

Chris, is your middle name Godot?

The Visit

I have been wondering when Mom would visit me. I know she has visited Dad, and Jen......and maybe Dana too...probably Dana. She would want to check up on him. He was always very much on her mind.

So, it was Sunday morning and I was cooking for thanksgiving. Wanting to get most of the cooking done before family arrived so I could enjoy their company and not be stressing about what was left to do in the kitchen. I was listening to christian music and singing as I cooked....and suddenly I began to tingle all over...warm, like a hug of pure emotion. She wanted me to know she was with me as I was preparing a feast I wanted her to be with us for more than anything. Now...I know she will be with us, whenever we are all together, loving each other, we all remember her and the wonderful way she loved us all.....and she is with us

I love you Momma.

Giving Thanks.....

I have had the most wonderful life ...and plan to keep having a wonderful life.

Family: two parents who were the most amazing people. Role models both as individuals and role models for marriage.

A brother who I am so glad I have had the chance to get to know this past year. Even if the circumstances werent the best..it is nice to know you Dana.

A husband who is the most amazing man and partner. Who takes care of me..and believe me, that takes some doing. A 25 year marriage with a person that I would choose today if I had to choose again.

Two daughters that are amazing people. Who have strong character, good hearts, talented and determined and have so much to offer the world.

I live in a wonderful community with people who are so supportive of the theatre program, and me personally.

I have such good friends.

My administration is amazing. I thank God for Stacey Carlisle every single day. She has brought the joy back into teaching for me.

I have wonderful students who find excitement in learning about theatre.

My dogs are always there to lick and wag their tails when they see me. they make me feel like I am the most important person.

I am so lucky that Bekah has a life partner who is an amazing and good person who shares Bek's passion for film.

I am thankful that Laura is having a cavity enducing experience in her life.

I love my house. I love my bed (although right now I sure wish I hadnt had coffee while i was baking)

I love cooking and creating new tastes.

I loved cooking all day today for my family. I love that I am able to do something for them.

I love most that we are all going to get together this week. To talk, to laugh, to remember, to love, to share, to EAT

I dont think we give thanks enough. I think we are always looking for more, better, improved. I know I am. As I am on my quest for more, better, and improved , I forget that today is its own blessing. I forget to say "i love you" often enough, or "thank you" often enough. I forget to slow down and savor life. I am always in such a rush. On to the next project without taking a nice breathe to enjoy the completion of the one before it.

So...my middle of the night sleepless self promise is to give thanks more for all of the blessings in my wonderful life.

Aging

I used to claim that I was like Peter Pan, I would never grow up. I still am not sure how grown up I am inside. I feel like I am a teenager most days. Sadly, My body doesnt concur and the clock keeps ticking. I had a horrible sinking feeling today when I realized that I am now 45. I remember when I thought people who were 45 were OLD and I realize that is how they must think of me.

Age is not just a state of mind, no matter how much I say that it is. The body does indeed age. Mine is a prime example of the aging thing. Diabetes, arthritis in my knees, cholesterol...whatever else. Sometimes the body can undermine the youth in my mind. Mostly though, I forget I am not still 18 and just enjoy my life.

I think, in fact......i need to find something incredibly silly and fun to do just to make sure I remember that I am, in fact, NOT too old.

Daughters and Judgement

My daughters bring me so much joy. I am so proud of them. Proud of how hard they work. Proud of their work ethic. Proud of their creativity. Proud of how they love one another and the world around them. Proud that they respect themselves enough not to 'settle' for less than the best the world could offer them.

That isnt to say they are without faults, they have faults just like everybody else. I find the world so interesting sometimes. How we judge the faults of another to be so much more severe than our own. How we think we have the right to decide what is right or wrong for another person. That we choose to ignore God's laws when we break them, but put other people under the 'christian-o-meter' I call it and decide that their failings make them worse in Gods eyes. Those same people must ignore Jesus telling us to remove the plank from our own eye before we try to remove the splinter from somebody else's. In God's eyes all sins are the same. They are all sins, and Jesus died for the forgiveness of every single one of them. It is only in Man's hypocritical judgemental eyes that the sins are sorted and ranked. What we ignore is that we sort and rank using Man's law, but we try to ascribe it to the bible and call it God's Law. I promise, none of us would like it if we were dealing with God's Law. Ever curse? yep......go directly to jail, dont pass go. Ever covet another person's Ipod, House, Computer, Car, clothes? ....go directly to jail, dont pass go. Ever flirt with another person's spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend? ....go directly to jail, dont pass go. Ever talk ugly about a friend behind their back? Go to Jail and stay there...you have just broken the biggest of the commandments "to love ones neighbor as we love ourselves."

So many of my life views are far more conservative than liberal.......but I can't call myself a conservative. Conservatives lack empathy, they dont look at life through another's eyes. They tend to be narrowminded, and think they have the right to stand as judge and jury for others. How interesting that these same people also claim to have the market on christianity cornered! Jesus would turn in his grave, if he had stayed there more than three days.

I digress......what else is new, right?

My daughters are a source of pride to me. I dont care how others see them I see only the beautiful wonderful things about them. I guess I see them the way Jesus would see them, with unconditional love and a willingness to forgive them anything if they only ask.

I miss them both. I am excited to see my Laura Lou this weekend, give her a hug, watch her accomplishments with pride, and meet her 'child'.

I am glad that motherhood doesnt end ...it just changes forms.

The End

The End. Sometimes it is so nice to say that and feel the peace and calm of concluding an episode of your life. That is how I feel about the conclusion of the 'Little Shop' episode of my life. The show went well. Talented talented people. Audiences were entertained. Mission accomplished. Job done.

When I started the community theatre it was with a hope of bringing theatre to life in harris county, bridging the gap between kids and adults, creating a thriving community of the arts here. Two years later - A few of us kill ourselves to bring theatre to the stage. We are all worn out and tired of having to fight with others to help pull their weight on any given project. The 'expectation' is that that core few of us will do whatever it takes ...mostly without thanks. The End.

I might, somewhere down the road attempt another venture, but at the moment I am not at all inclined to do so. I am not inclined to do anything more with it at all. I have committed to summer camp this summer, but beyond that - time will tell. My vision of Theatre is a vision of collaboration - that vision is not being realized and I am weary and I am tired of wearing out the core who commit their time and effort to help in a venture that I absolutely cannot complete on my own.

I 'should' feel sad, but I dont. I feel relieved to have one more thing off my plate of responsibilities. I am getting old enough to just want to relax and enjoy time with the people I love. (yes Rich, that means you)

So.....onward to new possibilities...dont know what they are...but when one door closes, another always opens that is ussually even better.