Today - the atmosphere of rehearsal is exactly what I love about theatre. Everybody there was there with positive energy, a spirit of positive work, and fun even though they were working hard. There was professionalism, support, dedication......it was just wonderful. No stress, no drama....just two independently working groups of students whose goal was perfecting their craft.
Groups can be interesting...sometimes they gel..and sometimes the gel has trouble setting up. This cast has had some trouble setting up...but I think we may be over the hump and moving into a really positive experience as the show moves closer and the cast members enjoy more time together. If today is a sample of things to come the next month should be fun. I love it when everybody works together and 'the play is the thing'.
Life is like that too sometimes.....relationships can go through periods where everything seems to gel beautifully and times where things have trouble setting up.
My relationship with my mom was one of those that had trouble setting up.... once I was an adult and my life was my own and the power struggle between us ceased to be an issue.....it set up beautifully and we became so close.
I remember calling her for recipes, calling her to ask her advice about how to handle the sibling rivalry between my daughters, calling her because i was frustrated with work or school...or life in general. Calling her to celebrate achievements of mine, or Rich's or the girls'.
I remember car trips...seemingly endless refrains of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt...... and other Peter Paul and Mary tunes.....and yes...despite what she tried to make people believe....she could sing. I learned how to sing harmony on those singing car trips.
We saw so much of the country. Every outing was educational in some kind of way. The museum of science, the children's museum...rock hunting, trips to DC, NY, and driving out through the country to see Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, Painted Desert, Rocky Mountains, Black Hills......Colorado gold mines....Florida.....the endless waves of grain between..... Disney World, Sea World, Circus World, Bush Gardens....every zoo within driving distance...and every ice cream shop nearby!
My Mom and Dad made sure I had a childhood most kids dream about.
Camping, and hiking, and swimming....... skiing and skating and sledding...... always active...always involved in doing something to enhance body, mind or spirit.
So...yeah..we had power struggles..I was a strong willed child - imagine that....and Mom was determined...and it made for some interesting times. I like to block out those teenage years.
I dont know how this blog turned into a blog about mom...but lately all of my thoughts come back to her some way or another. Missing her rather acutely. I am hoping this gets better..easier..I would think it would have already after a years time :(
anyway...off to enjoy time with my husband and my friends...life goes on....today - we be gellin!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
A Year Ago Today
A year ago today I lost my Mama. We didnt always get along well...I was a nightmare of a teenager. I wouldnt wish me on anybody. The force and the immoveable object was how we were. I didnt spend those teenage years being good to her....or vice versa.
I did have something so few people are blessed to have, however. A mom who didnt let those dreadful teenage experiences go unspoken. We sat, when I was older, and talked about them....asking forgiveness of each other...and telling each other how much we loved one another.
I didnt live close.....but we would talk at least once a week. Less than once a week and i was in big trouble. She wanted to retire closer to me...close enough so we could finally spend some holidays together...spend TIME together...enjoy each other. Mom and dad bought the retirement home long before they retired to it....and from the moment they bought it I was excited that there would be a time when my Mom would be within a Days drive...that I could finally spend the kind of time with her I wanted. That we could be more than phone friends.
We did spend One thanksgiving...and One Christmas.....she was able to come to see one of my 'productions' .....and then......she was gone. I wasnt ready. I am still not ready. Not a day goes by that I dont think "I wonder what Mom would think...or do...or say" I strive to live up to an ideal she set....and I never quite feel like I make the mark...but I know that Mom would expect me to continue to rise to whatever bar I set...so I continue to strive.
I miss her. I miss knowing there is a person in the world who loves me unconditionally. No matter how badly i messed up....she loved me. She loved me thin...loved me fat...loved me as a college drop out...and a graduate.....loved me when i married so young...and loved that i was still married when she died. She loved my husband...and liked him better than she liked me. She loved my children so much...and was for them everything a grandmother could be. She was the ideal. I needed her guidance ....I still need it sometimes....it isnt the same to search myself to thin k of what she would have said....nobody could give advice like Mom.
Nobody could celebrate like Mom. Achievements MEANT something to her. My daughter, Bekah, said not too long ago...that she loved all of us being at her graduation...and she knew that we were all proud of her...but it wasnt the same without Mom. She was so proud she exploded with it...it was like being in the middle of the sun her pride was so bright. I understand what Bekah meant though...the Teacher of the Year Banquet last year missed something because it was missing my mother.
I miss you Mama...so much. I hurt....and know that i will always have an ache in my life that fills the space where you used to be. I know you are happier where you are...but I am sorry..that just doesnt feel like much consolation today.
I did have something so few people are blessed to have, however. A mom who didnt let those dreadful teenage experiences go unspoken. We sat, when I was older, and talked about them....asking forgiveness of each other...and telling each other how much we loved one another.
I didnt live close.....but we would talk at least once a week. Less than once a week and i was in big trouble. She wanted to retire closer to me...close enough so we could finally spend some holidays together...spend TIME together...enjoy each other. Mom and dad bought the retirement home long before they retired to it....and from the moment they bought it I was excited that there would be a time when my Mom would be within a Days drive...that I could finally spend the kind of time with her I wanted. That we could be more than phone friends.
We did spend One thanksgiving...and One Christmas.....she was able to come to see one of my 'productions' .....and then......she was gone. I wasnt ready. I am still not ready. Not a day goes by that I dont think "I wonder what Mom would think...or do...or say" I strive to live up to an ideal she set....and I never quite feel like I make the mark...but I know that Mom would expect me to continue to rise to whatever bar I set...so I continue to strive.
I miss her. I miss knowing there is a person in the world who loves me unconditionally. No matter how badly i messed up....she loved me. She loved me thin...loved me fat...loved me as a college drop out...and a graduate.....loved me when i married so young...and loved that i was still married when she died. She loved my husband...and liked him better than she liked me. She loved my children so much...and was for them everything a grandmother could be. She was the ideal. I needed her guidance ....I still need it sometimes....it isnt the same to search myself to thin k of what she would have said....nobody could give advice like Mom.
Nobody could celebrate like Mom. Achievements MEANT something to her. My daughter, Bekah, said not too long ago...that she loved all of us being at her graduation...and she knew that we were all proud of her...but it wasnt the same without Mom. She was so proud she exploded with it...it was like being in the middle of the sun her pride was so bright. I understand what Bekah meant though...the Teacher of the Year Banquet last year missed something because it was missing my mother.
I miss you Mama...so much. I hurt....and know that i will always have an ache in my life that fills the space where you used to be. I know you are happier where you are...but I am sorry..that just doesnt feel like much consolation today.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Being There....
For me...life is about being there..or trying to be there. I try to be there for my husband - not always successfully because I am busy being there for my students, and being there for people i collaborate with...being there for my daughters and being there for my dogs.....trying to be there for friends and family..wanting to be there for my dad. I need to be there for rehearsal, and meetings, and conferences, and workshops.....most of my life is spent 'being there' for something or another.
Sometimes I just need somebody to 'be there' for me. Rich tries, but he doesnt understand theatre and so much of what I need somebody to 'be there' for involves the theatre. I used to have Bekah and Laura to talk to about theatre.....I am lonely for them in that way. I crave collaboration. I want to work on some project where I am not on my own. Cindy is such a wonderful helpmate - she is always there for me, but she isnt somebody who I can engage with in the collaborative process. It isnt her skill set, although I couldnt get by without the many skills she does offer on a regular basis. I collaborate to plan Jr. Thespian Conference - we have a good routine going - but it is from a distance which makes it a challenge.
What I loved about the Wizard of Oz was the collaboration and team i felt was there with the production team. For the first time I felt like I was part of a team. I didnt mind sitting there in the auditorium with little to do day after day because that was my job. I was the backup. I was there to talk to the parents and answer questions, or to handle the costumes when they came in, or consult about choreography while blocking was going on somewhere else. I had no real job, no real duties - but I was there to talk or help, or share, or laugh to feel part of the process even though I wasnt in charge. I was there for every single rehearsal - sometimes just to sit and make sure those not involved in rehearsal were quiet. I keep looking around for somebody to collaborate with on my current 'joint' project and there is nobody to be found. Thats not true - Cindy is a fairly constant presence. Thank god for Cindy. On Saturdays when bathrooms are locked week after week there is an adult to check on children outside the auditorium. I thank God for Richard. He is somebody to collaborate with. He is there, we talk, we plan, we laugh. Thats the key - he is there. Collaboration is impossible when the collaborators dont show up.
Maybe I am the one who should just stop 'being there'. Maybe it is time to sit down and let somebody else carry the ball. Maybe I should find other things to do with my time. Things for me..instead of things that involve constantly being there for somebody else. Maybe I should....but I wont, not today. I am not a person to shirk a responsibility. I have committed to being there. I will be there until the job is done - even if I have to do it alone.
Lots of reassessment needed before I commit to 'being there' in the future.
Sometimes I just need somebody to 'be there' for me. Rich tries, but he doesnt understand theatre and so much of what I need somebody to 'be there' for involves the theatre. I used to have Bekah and Laura to talk to about theatre.....I am lonely for them in that way. I crave collaboration. I want to work on some project where I am not on my own. Cindy is such a wonderful helpmate - she is always there for me, but she isnt somebody who I can engage with in the collaborative process. It isnt her skill set, although I couldnt get by without the many skills she does offer on a regular basis. I collaborate to plan Jr. Thespian Conference - we have a good routine going - but it is from a distance which makes it a challenge.
What I loved about the Wizard of Oz was the collaboration and team i felt was there with the production team. For the first time I felt like I was part of a team. I didnt mind sitting there in the auditorium with little to do day after day because that was my job. I was the backup. I was there to talk to the parents and answer questions, or to handle the costumes when they came in, or consult about choreography while blocking was going on somewhere else. I had no real job, no real duties - but I was there to talk or help, or share, or laugh to feel part of the process even though I wasnt in charge. I was there for every single rehearsal - sometimes just to sit and make sure those not involved in rehearsal were quiet. I keep looking around for somebody to collaborate with on my current 'joint' project and there is nobody to be found. Thats not true - Cindy is a fairly constant presence. Thank god for Cindy. On Saturdays when bathrooms are locked week after week there is an adult to check on children outside the auditorium. I thank God for Richard. He is somebody to collaborate with. He is there, we talk, we plan, we laugh. Thats the key - he is there. Collaboration is impossible when the collaborators dont show up.
Maybe I am the one who should just stop 'being there'. Maybe it is time to sit down and let somebody else carry the ball. Maybe I should find other things to do with my time. Things for me..instead of things that involve constantly being there for somebody else. Maybe I should....but I wont, not today. I am not a person to shirk a responsibility. I have committed to being there. I will be there until the job is done - even if I have to do it alone.
Lots of reassessment needed before I commit to 'being there' in the future.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
sickness and in health
I hate being sick. I hate not cuddling Rich, or kissing him. I hate the creepy schedule where you end up sleeping most of the day and then cant sleep at night. I hate aches, and nausea. I hate my life being turned upside down, and on a weekend too.
Now that I have vented, i really really really appreciate friends like Cindy who step up and tell me to go home and that she will take care of rehearsal. I love and appreciate my husband who is always looking out for me. I really have no cause to complain, with such a good life...whats a little bit of sick anyway?
Now that I have vented, i really really really appreciate friends like Cindy who step up and tell me to go home and that she will take care of rehearsal. I love and appreciate my husband who is always looking out for me. I really have no cause to complain, with such a good life...whats a little bit of sick anyway?
Monday, December 7, 2009
Books and Movies
I love books...i mean i REALLY love books. There isnt much I love more than taking a good book into a hot bath and reading until it is devoured and I have consumed the complete emotional journey of the characters.
I loved the Twilight books, and the second movie was wonderful. I loved the Harry Potter books, and the movies were hit and miss - some amazing, some not so much.
One of my favorite books was Ken Follett's 'Pillars of the Earth'. I loved it so much, and just learned that they are turning it into a mini series (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091207/ap_en_ot/eu_hungary_pillars_of_the_earth) I am so excited. I always love to see if a movie director takes what is so vivid in my imagination and brings it to life in a way I expect.
Some books should probably never be made into a movie. I loved the book 'The Life of Pi' but it wouldnt make a very good movie - it would be too much of a horror film. I loved the book 'A Thousand Splendid Suns', but I am not certain that would work in film either. The emotional and physical treatment wouldnt read as well in the starkness of the visual only. They both rely on being inside of the protagonist's head to have a true appreciation.
I am sure the fans of the Gone with the Wind book wondered how any movie could do it justice, or The Thorn Birds, or North and South. ...but justice was done in all instances and I look forward to seeing 'Pillars' brought to life in film.
I loved the Twilight books, and the second movie was wonderful. I loved the Harry Potter books, and the movies were hit and miss - some amazing, some not so much.
One of my favorite books was Ken Follett's 'Pillars of the Earth'. I loved it so much, and just learned that they are turning it into a mini series (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091207/ap_en_ot/eu_hungary_pillars_of_the_earth) I am so excited. I always love to see if a movie director takes what is so vivid in my imagination and brings it to life in a way I expect.
Some books should probably never be made into a movie. I loved the book 'The Life of Pi' but it wouldnt make a very good movie - it would be too much of a horror film. I loved the book 'A Thousand Splendid Suns', but I am not certain that would work in film either. The emotional and physical treatment wouldnt read as well in the starkness of the visual only. They both rely on being inside of the protagonist's head to have a true appreciation.
I am sure the fans of the Gone with the Wind book wondered how any movie could do it justice, or The Thorn Birds, or North and South. ...but justice was done in all instances and I look forward to seeing 'Pillars' brought to life in film.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Christmas....Cindy Lou or the Grinch?
For so long I have hated Christmas. I dont know why...I guess it always has meant an argument about lights for the tree...or tension about having enough money - or not enough to just let the spirit of giving pour out of me. I can always think of such thoughtful gifts, but.....money is always an issue and I end up stymied and frustrated by not being able to 'give' in the way I would like.
I loved Christmas as a kid. I remember barely sleeping as I waited for morning to come. Such excitement. I loved church and christmas carols and my Mom's big family coming over to all celebrate together.
When we moved to Georgia Christmas lost its wonder. No big family. No big excitement. Every year it was the guilt of not having enough money to give to others, and trying to scratch together enough to have a wonderful christmas for my own girls. Rich working the holiday didnt help either. No family except my own little girls to try to keep happy and not let them know for a single moment that it wasnt the most amazingly happy day to me. We baked Jesus a birthday cake every year and sang to him. We went to see movies. We sang songs. Anything so that they would believe I loved the holiday and they would love it too and look forward to it. That, and Rich made a career out of Grinch Impressions. He hated Christmas so much that it finally wore off on me and not only did I not look forward to the day, I became Mrs. Grinch.
When they got old enough the pretense stopped. I barely put up a tree. Rich didnt like it much that I hated Christmas. Interestingly enough....he started to like the holiday some at this point. Trying to encourage a tree, and the shopping, and some modicum of holiday cheer.
This year.....I am feeling a bit like Cindy Lou Who. My life is so good, I have so much to celebrate...that Christmas music, the tree...looking forward to a house full of family...is just wonderful :) I will take delight is cookign the roast beast, making who pudding, and making a day that isnt as much about presents as it is about spending time with the people I love, celebrating our traditions, and a new life with adult relationships that have so much substance. Yes, there is so much reason to enjoy Christmas this year. I think, other than Rich's reading of the book, that the Grinch will stay away this year.
I loved Christmas as a kid. I remember barely sleeping as I waited for morning to come. Such excitement. I loved church and christmas carols and my Mom's big family coming over to all celebrate together.
When we moved to Georgia Christmas lost its wonder. No big family. No big excitement. Every year it was the guilt of not having enough money to give to others, and trying to scratch together enough to have a wonderful christmas for my own girls. Rich working the holiday didnt help either. No family except my own little girls to try to keep happy and not let them know for a single moment that it wasnt the most amazingly happy day to me. We baked Jesus a birthday cake every year and sang to him. We went to see movies. We sang songs. Anything so that they would believe I loved the holiday and they would love it too and look forward to it. That, and Rich made a career out of Grinch Impressions. He hated Christmas so much that it finally wore off on me and not only did I not look forward to the day, I became Mrs. Grinch.
When they got old enough the pretense stopped. I barely put up a tree. Rich didnt like it much that I hated Christmas. Interestingly enough....he started to like the holiday some at this point. Trying to encourage a tree, and the shopping, and some modicum of holiday cheer.
This year.....I am feeling a bit like Cindy Lou Who. My life is so good, I have so much to celebrate...that Christmas music, the tree...looking forward to a house full of family...is just wonderful :) I will take delight is cookign the roast beast, making who pudding, and making a day that isnt as much about presents as it is about spending time with the people I love, celebrating our traditions, and a new life with adult relationships that have so much substance. Yes, there is so much reason to enjoy Christmas this year. I think, other than Rich's reading of the book, that the Grinch will stay away this year.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Ensemble
There is nothing I enjoy more about theatre than when a group comes together as an ensemble. When they respect each other, are committed and determined to do their best, and celebrate enjoying the art together. Today was like that all around.
My middle school cast really showed me good things today. They were able to focus in a way they havent in quite a while and it showed!
The community theatre cast was amazing in welcoming new people and pulling together great stuff.
And the HSM2 cast worked SO hard and got SO much done today. Sometimes change is good, and needed and brings growth. Today we had a couple of incredibly positive additions to the ensemble in choreographer and the young man playing Troy. Sometimes positive energy is all it takes to turn a group around. They sure did that for us today.
I had FUN, despite rehearsal being 8 hours long. LOTS of fun. Might I actually get my 'theatre sparkle' back? I hope so.
My middle school cast really showed me good things today. They were able to focus in a way they havent in quite a while and it showed!
The community theatre cast was amazing in welcoming new people and pulling together great stuff.
And the HSM2 cast worked SO hard and got SO much done today. Sometimes change is good, and needed and brings growth. Today we had a couple of incredibly positive additions to the ensemble in choreographer and the young man playing Troy. Sometimes positive energy is all it takes to turn a group around. They sure did that for us today.
I had FUN, despite rehearsal being 8 hours long. LOTS of fun. Might I actually get my 'theatre sparkle' back? I hope so.
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