BEKAH WAS BORN

today is my daughter Bekah's birthday.....for a mom that is full of lots of memories. Rich was deployed in the military and I was alone for the six months leading up to her birth. My Aunt was my birth coach and we took the classes together. I didnt buy it...I was confident that breathing wasnt going to get me through childbirth. Demerol...that was the answer...Demerol and a spinal anaesthetic. I had a horrible pregnancy. My body didnt like it, didnt like being pregnant. I threw up every day for 9 months, only thing i could keep down were lean cuisine spaghetti, genoa salami, tomato juice, and slushies. Not a whole lot of nutrition, but it was something. In the middle of my pregnancy I got the flu...made the whole throw up thing worse....fever..chills...fever. My OBGYN hospitalized me when they werent able to regulate my body temperature. It would go from 92 - 105 up and down in an hour. They had some probe up my butt that kept my current temperature connected to a blanket which heated or cooled me dependant upon the probe's reading. When I didnt get better, they did tests and discovered that my kidneys werent functioning well - massive kidney infection. So...they fixed that and I was able to go home. Months passed...I was commuting to college every day and enjoying my life. My college friends were all protective of me...tried to make sure I ate well..threw me a baby shower. As far as they were concerned this was their baby too. Summer came.... it was hot. I looked like I swallowed a basketball. She was due at the end of June...supposed to be a Gemini like both of my parents. Her due date came...and went. On the day she was born I had enough. It was time damnit. So I ran up and down some hills..trying to induce labor. I thought I failed....and headed home to a Doctor's appointment. At the appointment the doctor notes a small leak of amniotic fluid. He said I had a high tear and needed to deliver immeditely to avoid infection. I drove myself to the hospital and checked in..then called parents and my aunt the labor coach. I wasnt in labor so they started a drip of devil medicine....pitocin. It started labor allright...hard and immediate. When I say hard...i mean...OMG. I spent 20 hours in HARD labor..no build up...just right there...devil contractions every couple of minutes. I was begging for Demoral...begging for a spinal...begging for them to take her out of me. I wasnt progressing...her head was too large to go into the birth canal. They told me if nothing changed in an hour they would do a cessarean. I went nuts..I told them..in the deepest voice that sounded so much like Linda Blair from the exorcist "take her now" . They didnt, they waited an hour. I was awake when she was born....and when I saw her I was in love. A feeling it is hard to explain - she was mine to take care of, to love, to protect, to teach and guide and nurture...I was awed by the responsibility and that this beautiful baby had grown inside of me..that she came from me and was and would always be a part of me. Rebekah made me a Mom. I have loved being a mother. I havent always been the best mom, but I dont think my daughters doubt they were loved. I did take care of, love, protect, teach, guide, and nurture my girls. Happy Birthday Bekah Boo!

The Beach

I love the ocean....there is nothing more rejuvenating to me than the sound of the waves, the feel of the sand, the warmth of the sun on my skin.

I enjoyed the beach this week so much. I feel peaceful. I know that peaceful thing will be short lived since BBB goes into crazy mode tomorrow, but at least I am starting the week in a good place.

I am not much of a thinker...I dont spend lots of time inside my own head. My thoughts generally spark an idea that I am quick to transmit into some kind of action. Thoughts dont circle and pool as they do with Rich and with Dad. Both of them could get lost inside of their own brains and never come out again. The only place I get like that...comfy in my own head...is driving and at the beach - both of which I did a lot this week!

I am just finishing buying airline tickets and hotel reservations for hawaii for the days before the cruise. SO excited.

25 years. Hawaii is to celebrate that landmark event. Long time to be married, but I would do it all over again.

off to finish reservations and look at shore excursions and all of the fun things that make me 'shiver with antic............pation'

A view of Earth from Space

Today I saw Earth from space.

I cannot even begin to describe the level of feeling that welled up from deep inside of me.

I digress...went to see the movie Hubble 3-D at the IMAX Theatre.

It...put life into perspective...unexplicably...made my everyday concerns so trivial in the scheme of the gigantic universe...and universes seen by the Hubble.

How could the universe exist that that...so vast...so...incredible.....and there not be a God organizing all of it. It cant possibly be that vast, so intertwined...and yet random.

I was awed by the beauty of the universe God created for us....

tears just rolling down my cheeks as i watched the film.....

it is a must see..and i am not doing it justice.... there just arent any words to describe the feelings i had.......

Teamwork

Today - the atmosphere of rehearsal is exactly what I love about theatre. Everybody there was there with positive energy, a spirit of positive work, and fun even though they were working hard. There was professionalism, support, dedication......it was just wonderful. No stress, no drama....just two independently working groups of students whose goal was perfecting their craft.

Groups can be interesting...sometimes they gel..and sometimes the gel has trouble setting up. This cast has had some trouble setting up...but I think we may be over the hump and moving into a really positive experience as the show moves closer and the cast members enjoy more time together. If today is a sample of things to come the next month should be fun. I love it when everybody works together and 'the play is the thing'.

Life is like that too sometimes.....relationships can go through periods where everything seems to gel beautifully and times where things have trouble setting up.

My relationship with my mom was one of those that had trouble setting up.... once I was an adult and my life was my own and the power struggle between us ceased to be an issue.....it set up beautifully and we became so close.

I remember calling her for recipes, calling her to ask her advice about how to handle the sibling rivalry between my daughters, calling her because i was frustrated with work or school...or life in general. Calling her to celebrate achievements of mine, or Rich's or the girls'.

I remember car trips...seemingly endless refrains of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt...... and other Peter Paul and Mary tunes.....and yes...despite what she tried to make people believe....she could sing. I learned how to sing harmony on those singing car trips.

We saw so much of the country. Every outing was educational in some kind of way. The museum of science, the children's museum...rock hunting, trips to DC, NY, and driving out through the country to see Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, Painted Desert, Rocky Mountains, Black Hills......Colorado gold mines....Florida.....the endless waves of grain between..... Disney World, Sea World, Circus World, Bush Gardens....every zoo within driving distance...and every ice cream shop nearby!

My Mom and Dad made sure I had a childhood most kids dream about.

Camping, and hiking, and swimming....... skiing and skating and sledding...... always active...always involved in doing something to enhance body, mind or spirit.

So...yeah..we had power struggles..I was a strong willed child - imagine that....and Mom was determined...and it made for some interesting times. I like to block out those teenage years.

I dont know how this blog turned into a blog about mom...but lately all of my thoughts come back to her some way or another. Missing her rather acutely. I am hoping this gets better..easier..I would think it would have already after a years time :(

anyway...off to enjoy time with my husband and my friends...life goes on....today - we be gellin!

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I lost my Mama. We didnt always get along well...I was a nightmare of a teenager. I wouldnt wish me on anybody. The force and the immoveable object was how we were. I didnt spend those teenage years being good to her....or vice versa.

I did have something so few people are blessed to have, however. A mom who didnt let those dreadful teenage experiences go unspoken. We sat, when I was older, and talked about them....asking forgiveness of each other...and telling each other how much we loved one another.

I didnt live close.....but we would talk at least once a week. Less than once a week and i was in big trouble. She wanted to retire closer to me...close enough so we could finally spend some holidays together...spend TIME together...enjoy each other. Mom and dad bought the retirement home long before they retired to it....and from the moment they bought it I was excited that there would be a time when my Mom would be within a Days drive...that I could finally spend the kind of time with her I wanted. That we could be more than phone friends.

We did spend One thanksgiving...and One Christmas.....she was able to come to see one of my 'productions' .....and then......she was gone. I wasnt ready. I am still not ready. Not a day goes by that I dont think "I wonder what Mom would think...or do...or say" I strive to live up to an ideal she set....and I never quite feel like I make the mark...but I know that Mom would expect me to continue to rise to whatever bar I set...so I continue to strive.

I miss her. I miss knowing there is a person in the world who loves me unconditionally. No matter how badly i messed up....she loved me. She loved me thin...loved me fat...loved me as a college drop out...and a graduate.....loved me when i married so young...and loved that i was still married when she died. She loved my husband...and liked him better than she liked me. She loved my children so much...and was for them everything a grandmother could be. She was the ideal. I needed her guidance ....I still need it sometimes....it isnt the same to search myself to thin k of what she would have said....nobody could give advice like Mom.

Nobody could celebrate like Mom. Achievements MEANT something to her. My daughter, Bekah, said not too long ago...that she loved all of us being at her graduation...and she knew that we were all proud of her...but it wasnt the same without Mom. She was so proud she exploded with it...it was like being in the middle of the sun her pride was so bright. I understand what Bekah meant though...the Teacher of the Year Banquet last year missed something because it was missing my mother.

I miss you Mama...so much. I hurt....and know that i will always have an ache in my life that fills the space where you used to be. I know you are happier where you are...but I am sorry..that just doesnt feel like much consolation today.

Being There....

For me...life is about being there..or trying to be there. I try to be there for my husband - not always successfully because I am busy being there for my students, and being there for people i collaborate with...being there for my daughters and being there for my dogs.....trying to be there for friends and family..wanting to be there for my dad. I need to be there for rehearsal, and meetings, and conferences, and workshops.....most of my life is spent 'being there' for something or another.

Sometimes I just need somebody to 'be there' for me. Rich tries, but he doesnt understand theatre and so much of what I need somebody to 'be there' for involves the theatre. I used to have Bekah and Laura to talk to about theatre.....I am lonely for them in that way. I crave collaboration. I want to work on some project where I am not on my own. Cindy is such a wonderful helpmate - she is always there for me, but she isnt somebody who I can engage with in the collaborative process. It isnt her skill set, although I couldnt get by without the many skills she does offer on a regular basis. I collaborate to plan Jr. Thespian Conference - we have a good routine going - but it is from a distance which makes it a challenge.

What I loved about the Wizard of Oz was the collaboration and team i felt was there with the production team. For the first time I felt like I was part of a team. I didnt mind sitting there in the auditorium with little to do day after day because that was my job. I was the backup. I was there to talk to the parents and answer questions, or to handle the costumes when they came in, or consult about choreography while blocking was going on somewhere else. I had no real job, no real duties - but I was there to talk or help, or share, or laugh to feel part of the process even though I wasnt in charge. I was there for every single rehearsal - sometimes just to sit and make sure those not involved in rehearsal were quiet. I keep looking around for somebody to collaborate with on my current 'joint' project and there is nobody to be found. Thats not true - Cindy is a fairly constant presence. Thank god for Cindy. On Saturdays when bathrooms are locked week after week there is an adult to check on children outside the auditorium. I thank God for Richard. He is somebody to collaborate with. He is there, we talk, we plan, we laugh. Thats the key - he is there. Collaboration is impossible when the collaborators dont show up.

Maybe I am the one who should just stop 'being there'. Maybe it is time to sit down and let somebody else carry the ball. Maybe I should find other things to do with my time. Things for me..instead of things that involve constantly being there for somebody else. Maybe I should....but I wont, not today. I am not a person to shirk a responsibility. I have committed to being there. I will be there until the job is done - even if I have to do it alone.

Lots of reassessment needed before I commit to 'being there' in the future.

sickness and in health

I hate being sick. I hate not cuddling Rich, or kissing him. I hate the creepy schedule where you end up sleeping most of the day and then cant sleep at night. I hate aches, and nausea. I hate my life being turned upside down, and on a weekend too.

Now that I have vented, i really really really appreciate friends like Cindy who step up and tell me to go home and that she will take care of rehearsal. I love and appreciate my husband who is always looking out for me. I really have no cause to complain, with such a good life...whats a little bit of sick anyway?

Books and Movies

I love books...i mean i REALLY love books. There isnt much I love more than taking a good book into a hot bath and reading until it is devoured and I have consumed the complete emotional journey of the characters.

I loved the Twilight books, and the second movie was wonderful. I loved the Harry Potter books, and the movies were hit and miss - some amazing, some not so much.

One of my favorite books was Ken Follett's 'Pillars of the Earth'. I loved it so much, and just learned that they are turning it into a mini series (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091207/ap_en_ot/eu_hungary_pillars_of_the_earth) I am so excited. I always love to see if a movie director takes what is so vivid in my imagination and brings it to life in a way I expect.

Some books should probably never be made into a movie. I loved the book 'The Life of Pi' but it wouldnt make a very good movie - it would be too much of a horror film. I loved the book 'A Thousand Splendid Suns', but I am not certain that would work in film either. The emotional and physical treatment wouldnt read as well in the starkness of the visual only. They both rely on being inside of the protagonist's head to have a true appreciation.

I am sure the fans of the Gone with the Wind book wondered how any movie could do it justice, or The Thorn Birds, or North and South. ...but justice was done in all instances and I look forward to seeing 'Pillars' brought to life in film.

Christmas....Cindy Lou or the Grinch?

For so long I have hated Christmas. I dont know why...I guess it always has meant an argument about lights for the tree...or tension about having enough money - or not enough to just let the spirit of giving pour out of me. I can always think of such thoughtful gifts, but.....money is always an issue and I end up stymied and frustrated by not being able to 'give' in the way I would like.

I loved Christmas as a kid. I remember barely sleeping as I waited for morning to come. Such excitement. I loved church and christmas carols and my Mom's big family coming over to all celebrate together.

When we moved to Georgia Christmas lost its wonder. No big family. No big excitement. Every year it was the guilt of not having enough money to give to others, and trying to scratch together enough to have a wonderful christmas for my own girls. Rich working the holiday didnt help either. No family except my own little girls to try to keep happy and not let them know for a single moment that it wasnt the most amazingly happy day to me. We baked Jesus a birthday cake every year and sang to him. We went to see movies. We sang songs. Anything so that they would believe I loved the holiday and they would love it too and look forward to it. That, and Rich made a career out of Grinch Impressions. He hated Christmas so much that it finally wore off on me and not only did I not look forward to the day, I became Mrs. Grinch.

When they got old enough the pretense stopped. I barely put up a tree. Rich didnt like it much that I hated Christmas. Interestingly enough....he started to like the holiday some at this point. Trying to encourage a tree, and the shopping, and some modicum of holiday cheer.

This year.....I am feeling a bit like Cindy Lou Who. My life is so good, I have so much to celebrate...that Christmas music, the tree...looking forward to a house full of family...is just wonderful :) I will take delight is cookign the roast beast, making who pudding, and making a day that isnt as much about presents as it is about spending time with the people I love, celebrating our traditions, and a new life with adult relationships that have so much substance. Yes, there is so much reason to enjoy Christmas this year. I think, other than Rich's reading of the book, that the Grinch will stay away this year.

Ensemble

There is nothing I enjoy more about theatre than when a group comes together as an ensemble. When they respect each other, are committed and determined to do their best, and celebrate enjoying the art together. Today was like that all around.

My middle school cast really showed me good things today. They were able to focus in a way they havent in quite a while and it showed!

The community theatre cast was amazing in welcoming new people and pulling together great stuff.

And the HSM2 cast worked SO hard and got SO much done today. Sometimes change is good, and needed and brings growth. Today we had a couple of incredibly positive additions to the ensemble in choreographer and the young man playing Troy. Sometimes positive energy is all it takes to turn a group around. They sure did that for us today.

I had FUN, despite rehearsal being 8 hours long. LOTS of fun. Might I actually get my 'theatre sparkle' back? I hope so.

a growing family...

Thanksgiving growing up was all about a huge family...more people than logistically fit in Our house, but we fit somehow. There were not a lot of traditions outside of timing the length of time it took for us all to devour our big meal. One year 20 of us were all finished eating a massive feast in 11 minutes flat. How absurd!

Then we moved to Georgia, and suddenly there were just four of us. My own little family and all of my sense of holidays had always involves hoardes of people...with the four of us I always felt lonely. So often Rich had to leave for work every holiday at 3 to work second shift, leaving just the three of us - me and Boo and Lou to spend the day. We started to create our own traditions to give new meaning to our holidays. To give me the comfort of looking forward to 'our things' and not missing the big extended family gatherings of my childhood.

The first tradition involved the movies. It was always so lonely when Rich left for work, so instead of staying home lonely we always went to the movie matinee on thanksgiving and christmas. We looked forward to our movie holidays. We didnt go to the movies often, so it was such a treat.

The next tradition involved the Macy's Day Parade. We watched diligently from the start of the parade to the end when Santa arrived. The girls always looked forward to the arrival of Santa, believing the Macy's Santa to be the real Santa. Then the Macy's parade developped all kinds of food traditions. It became like two thanksgivings - the breakfast meal, then the turkey meal. I call it a breakfast meal, but it doesnt involve many breakfast foods. Mostly it involves snackish things the girls love: orange cinnamon rolls, crab cheese ball and cracker, spin dip and veggies, pigs in a blanket, chips and onion dip, and fruit dipped in chocolate. Strange combination for breakfast, but the grazing on it begins at 9AM and continues through the parade and into the big dog show following. Another tradition.

Callaway Gardens light extravaganza is a newer addition to the routine, replacing the yearly viewing of 'It's a Wonderful Life'

Our family of four has gotten larger. Bekah bringing Jen to be part of our family. Dad coming to be part of our family holiday celebration, and this year Laura bringing Chris. We will see if he becomes part of our family, but he seems to fit quite well. The family is growing but the traditions remain the same. It is good to have traditions...common expectations that bind our family together.

So.......it is dog show time. I am about ready to clean up the breakfast feast. The Turkey feast is warming in the oven, turkey roasted all night. I need to make the gravy, cook the rolls, open the cranberry sauce, set the table and get ready to sit down with the people I love so much and give thanks.

Waiting...but definitely not for Godot

This morning I am feeling that butterfly excitement in my stomach, waiting for christmas morning to get here in the middle of the night excitement feeling as I wait for my family to arrive.

I love our empty nest, I really do. Rich and I have found joy and comfort in our routines and our time to spend and talk and cuddle. We like and love each other and life is good. I dont really want the girls to move back in, but I do miss them. I miss their hugs, and I miss their laughter. I miss having somebody to talk to about theatre. I miss hearing about their day, and knowing they are up on their computers chatting with the world instead of sleeping. (yeah, most moms would be saying they miss seeing them tucked sleeping into their beds. I dont think I have seen that for a couple of years. They outlast me in the stay up all night department)

So here I am, writing a blog about waiting....while I wait for my girls...

It kind of is like waiting for Godot...waiting for the people I love who will turn my life upside down in the most glorious way for a couple of days and then go back to their own lives. Maybe Chris is really Godot. He has never visited before...it could be......

Chris, is your middle name Godot?

The Visit

I have been wondering when Mom would visit me. I know she has visited Dad, and Jen......and maybe Dana too...probably Dana. She would want to check up on him. He was always very much on her mind.

So, it was Sunday morning and I was cooking for thanksgiving. Wanting to get most of the cooking done before family arrived so I could enjoy their company and not be stressing about what was left to do in the kitchen. I was listening to christian music and singing as I cooked....and suddenly I began to tingle all over...warm, like a hug of pure emotion. She wanted me to know she was with me as I was preparing a feast I wanted her to be with us for more than anything. Now...I know she will be with us, whenever we are all together, loving each other, we all remember her and the wonderful way she loved us all.....and she is with us

I love you Momma.

Giving Thanks.....

I have had the most wonderful life ...and plan to keep having a wonderful life.

Family: two parents who were the most amazing people. Role models both as individuals and role models for marriage.

A brother who I am so glad I have had the chance to get to know this past year. Even if the circumstances werent the best..it is nice to know you Dana.

A husband who is the most amazing man and partner. Who takes care of me..and believe me, that takes some doing. A 25 year marriage with a person that I would choose today if I had to choose again.

Two daughters that are amazing people. Who have strong character, good hearts, talented and determined and have so much to offer the world.

I live in a wonderful community with people who are so supportive of the theatre program, and me personally.

I have such good friends.

My administration is amazing. I thank God for Stacey Carlisle every single day. She has brought the joy back into teaching for me.

I have wonderful students who find excitement in learning about theatre.

My dogs are always there to lick and wag their tails when they see me. they make me feel like I am the most important person.

I am so lucky that Bekah has a life partner who is an amazing and good person who shares Bek's passion for film.

I am thankful that Laura is having a cavity enducing experience in her life.

I love my house. I love my bed (although right now I sure wish I hadnt had coffee while i was baking)

I love cooking and creating new tastes.

I loved cooking all day today for my family. I love that I am able to do something for them.

I love most that we are all going to get together this week. To talk, to laugh, to remember, to love, to share, to EAT

I dont think we give thanks enough. I think we are always looking for more, better, improved. I know I am. As I am on my quest for more, better, and improved , I forget that today is its own blessing. I forget to say "i love you" often enough, or "thank you" often enough. I forget to slow down and savor life. I am always in such a rush. On to the next project without taking a nice breathe to enjoy the completion of the one before it.

So...my middle of the night sleepless self promise is to give thanks more for all of the blessings in my wonderful life.

Aging

I used to claim that I was like Peter Pan, I would never grow up. I still am not sure how grown up I am inside. I feel like I am a teenager most days. Sadly, My body doesnt concur and the clock keeps ticking. I had a horrible sinking feeling today when I realized that I am now 45. I remember when I thought people who were 45 were OLD and I realize that is how they must think of me.

Age is not just a state of mind, no matter how much I say that it is. The body does indeed age. Mine is a prime example of the aging thing. Diabetes, arthritis in my knees, cholesterol...whatever else. Sometimes the body can undermine the youth in my mind. Mostly though, I forget I am not still 18 and just enjoy my life.

I think, in fact......i need to find something incredibly silly and fun to do just to make sure I remember that I am, in fact, NOT too old.

Daughters and Judgement

My daughters bring me so much joy. I am so proud of them. Proud of how hard they work. Proud of their work ethic. Proud of their creativity. Proud of how they love one another and the world around them. Proud that they respect themselves enough not to 'settle' for less than the best the world could offer them.

That isnt to say they are without faults, they have faults just like everybody else. I find the world so interesting sometimes. How we judge the faults of another to be so much more severe than our own. How we think we have the right to decide what is right or wrong for another person. That we choose to ignore God's laws when we break them, but put other people under the 'christian-o-meter' I call it and decide that their failings make them worse in Gods eyes. Those same people must ignore Jesus telling us to remove the plank from our own eye before we try to remove the splinter from somebody else's. In God's eyes all sins are the same. They are all sins, and Jesus died for the forgiveness of every single one of them. It is only in Man's hypocritical judgemental eyes that the sins are sorted and ranked. What we ignore is that we sort and rank using Man's law, but we try to ascribe it to the bible and call it God's Law. I promise, none of us would like it if we were dealing with God's Law. Ever curse? yep......go directly to jail, dont pass go. Ever covet another person's Ipod, House, Computer, Car, clothes? ....go directly to jail, dont pass go. Ever flirt with another person's spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend? ....go directly to jail, dont pass go. Ever talk ugly about a friend behind their back? Go to Jail and stay there...you have just broken the biggest of the commandments "to love ones neighbor as we love ourselves."

So many of my life views are far more conservative than liberal.......but I can't call myself a conservative. Conservatives lack empathy, they dont look at life through another's eyes. They tend to be narrowminded, and think they have the right to stand as judge and jury for others. How interesting that these same people also claim to have the market on christianity cornered! Jesus would turn in his grave, if he had stayed there more than three days.

I digress......what else is new, right?

My daughters are a source of pride to me. I dont care how others see them I see only the beautiful wonderful things about them. I guess I see them the way Jesus would see them, with unconditional love and a willingness to forgive them anything if they only ask.

I miss them both. I am excited to see my Laura Lou this weekend, give her a hug, watch her accomplishments with pride, and meet her 'child'.

I am glad that motherhood doesnt end ...it just changes forms.

The End

The End. Sometimes it is so nice to say that and feel the peace and calm of concluding an episode of your life. That is how I feel about the conclusion of the 'Little Shop' episode of my life. The show went well. Talented talented people. Audiences were entertained. Mission accomplished. Job done.

When I started the community theatre it was with a hope of bringing theatre to life in harris county, bridging the gap between kids and adults, creating a thriving community of the arts here. Two years later - A few of us kill ourselves to bring theatre to the stage. We are all worn out and tired of having to fight with others to help pull their weight on any given project. The 'expectation' is that that core few of us will do whatever it takes ...mostly without thanks. The End.

I might, somewhere down the road attempt another venture, but at the moment I am not at all inclined to do so. I am not inclined to do anything more with it at all. I have committed to summer camp this summer, but beyond that - time will tell. My vision of Theatre is a vision of collaboration - that vision is not being realized and I am weary and I am tired of wearing out the core who commit their time and effort to help in a venture that I absolutely cannot complete on my own.

I 'should' feel sad, but I dont. I feel relieved to have one more thing off my plate of responsibilities. I am getting old enough to just want to relax and enjoy time with the people I love. (yes Rich, that means you)

So.....onward to new possibilities...dont know what they are...but when one door closes, another always opens that is ussually even better.

the play is the thing....or is it?

I am tired. I love theatre, but I am running out of steam. I think it is time for a break. I am going to take a break and do nothing more with the community theatre for the rest of this year. I cant - I am just tired and cant do it alone and it is too much of a drain on the few people who do help.

I am going to stick to quick and simple at school, except for the spring extravaganza..but thats different.

Anyway, off to final dress rehearsal for Little Shop of Horrors...glad it will be over this weekend.

Talent

When I was young I believed that my intelligence and talent were all I needed to be successful. I believed that my intelligence and talent mean the world OWED me recognition. I was so vain and so foolish.

As an educator I have found that those with the most intelligence or talent take it for granted. They dont learn to work hard. They dont learn to dig deep and push themselves for personal excellence. They just expect it all. These kids arent very happy. They spend most of their time being judgemental and looking at themselves in comparision to others and finding themselves superior. It must be lonely there in their world of exclusion, they dont have the world of people and experiences to enjoy because they are too locked into their own limited vision.

Then there are the kids who work for everything. These kids become talented. They find true joy in what they do. They dont exclude, they include. They work and work and work....and strive to be better with each task. They are friendly, pleasant, engaging and I would take a kid like this over the 'talented' any day of the week.

I wish that each of us had the possibility to see one day of the future...sort of like Dickens Christmas Carol...to see where we could go if we strived to be the best we could be. If we could see where our actions would lead. It would have saved me lots of years of mediocrity. Why was I mediocre? Because I thought my talent and intelligence meant i should get my 'due' instead of working for it. I wish i could give this knowledge to the best and brightest so they do not have to have that mammoth crash to earth that comes when they figure out that intelligence and talent are no substitute for character.

The Grind

As life gets back into the routine...or 'the grind' I find myself resisting. I enjoyed this past summer, and actually letting go of work and just LIVING with my family as a priority and work on the backburner. I am struggling to feel the drive to spend every waking moment working. I am frustrated by changes that feel like re-inventing the educational wheel yet again. I feel like I am on a treadmill, going nowhere.

I need to find some balance or I will be miserable this year.

All I know is....I miss my babies
I miss the beach
I miss my Daddy
I ache for my Mom
and I want my life to slow down :(